She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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