Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I just blew my weed a kiss
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
