the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
