if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
