So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize
