OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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