The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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