I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
