this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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