My friends, they love my intelligence
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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