The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
