I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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