does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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