I just pynch a tree in the face
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
The cops high fived after they tackled you
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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