sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
