Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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