I smell stomach acid.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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