Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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