WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
