They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
