I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
