when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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