There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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