You really coming over, don't trick.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
