The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
