Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
