I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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