My liver just broke up with me...
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
