My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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