There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
