guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
