Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
