I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
