Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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