when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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