i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
