I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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