It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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