everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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