The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
