end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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