It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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