If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
