How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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