sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
