I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
