I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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