I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
