...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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