I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
sarcasm needs its own font
it's like heaven, but drunker
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
