Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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