You can't special order awesome
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
