We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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