dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
