I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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