My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
