dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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