I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize