god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
