Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
