this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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