I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
