nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Randomize
