You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
