So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
