R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
