No awkward lesbian experiences without me
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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