my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I deserve to be covered in dicks
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
